How to Make a Small Fortune on the Stock Market (from a large one)

Fifteen Golden Rules:

1. Always trade heavily in the shares that are most popular on the bulletin boards.
2. Follow the Investors Chronicle's (aka the Chronic Investor's) tips slavishly.
3. Always remember, "stoplosses are for wimps".
4. If you're unlucky enough to get a profit, no matter how tiny, either snatch it before it grows too much, or preferably never take it - don't worry: if you wait long enough, it'll almost certainly disappear. (And with any luck, if you follow the other rules here, the problem will never arise).
5. A high number of trades is important to show that one is "a real trader". Damn the quality, feel the width!
6. Avoid any shares that have a good earnings track record and pay regular dividends.
7. Pile in to new issues.
8. Go for shares with nice wide spreads and as few market-makers as possible (preferably just 2), with a nice small NMS (500 would do just fine). And then buy a HUGE amount on a price spike, preferably as a result of a Chronic Investor tip!
9. Remember that Elliott Wave Theory is a guarantee of success. It always works - and when it doesn't, it's because the market has got it wrong, not you!
10. Gear yourself up as much as possible with T25s, CFDs and spreadbets. Lots of nice margin calls will soon show that you're on the right track. To pay the margin calls, borrow money if you haven't got any spare funds left.
11. DDOYR - FO (Don't do your own research - Follow others).
12. Catch a few falling knives...
13. Don't worry about charts at all. Buying on the right-hand downward slope of one of those attractive head-and-shoulders formations is great fun, although regrettably it doesn't always work (from the point of view of losing money).
14. Always remember, when a price is in inexorable decline, that the market has got it wrong. Hang on in there! "Keep the Faith".
15. There is NO Rule 15 - following the above 14 rules should guarantee bankruptcy in a very short period.